The Story Behind Country Poem #9: I've Lost The Touch

The more things went on, the closer it came to the end, the more I tried to speak my thoughts to whomever was available to listen. Since I was once a disc jockey, I usually felt more comfortable speaking with radio personalities. The woman who was the talk show host in this case was once on NJ 101.5 FM. I can't quite remember her name, since we are talking about 9 years ago as I write this.
The point is, when there was no one else to vent to, I vented to who would listen. I guess I felt like I was at the point where I couldn't really say what I needed to say to my ex-wife, and I needed to say it to someone. If it flopped to a stranger, it was sure to not go over with the ex. The other part of my thinking was that I knew by this point that it was really over, and I just needed to share my story with a stranger, a woman, who could either confirm the end or show me the way to get things patched up.
Then I decided to put the experience into a song. Again, no music came to me while writing it, I just tried to keep the words close enough to rhyme so when someone would come along with the music, it would make sense. That's what I hoped for all these country poems. Without the musical knowledge, but with wanting them to be songs, I thought I'd just do the part I knew, and hoped the right musician would find their way to my lyrics. That is still my hope.

Country Poem#9: I've Lost The Touch

I've Lost The Touch
©1996 By Dean A. Ceran
I called up the local call-in talk show host
Told her 'bout you, the one I've loved the most
She listened to me describe how our times turned bad
And she could only say, "That is so sad"
What I didn't tell her is what I could never say to you
It's something that I'd discovered that is sad but, oh, so true
If I'd only shown you how I loved you, and told you it's so much
You would never have made the claim that I've lost the touch
Who'd have thought we'd last these years so long
When all you're saying now is how we are so wrong
Thinking back, I must have really made you mad
Yeah, that talk show host is right, it's down right sad
What I didn't tell her is what I could never say to you
It's something that I'd discovered that is sad but, oh, so true
If I'd only shown you how I loved you, and told you it's so much
You would never have made the claim that I've lost the touch
You could never convince me that our love was ever fake
Although you hung in longer but for the children's sake
And even though they can't really tell the reasons why
You're standing at the open door with your bittersweet good-bye
What I didn't tell her is what I could never say to you
It's something that I'd discovered that is sad but, oh, so true
If I'd only shown you how I loved you, and told you it's so much
You would never have made the claim that I've lost the touch

The Story Behind Country Poem #8: Pullin' Out My Pockets

I guess I should have seen it. I was her second husband. She made him out to be some real evil guy. The truth is he did have a dirinking problem, and once he got past that, he was quite a nice guy.

However, like I am now, he was garnished for child support. Back then it was 100 bucks he was paying for 3 children. Now granted the money did help, but what disturbed me is that it was usually cashed at the little store by our house and the first purchase was usually a 12 pack of beer. And I don't drink.

Now that I'm paying through a garnishment, I can only imagine how bad it is. I know that I heard that the kids never really saw any of the money. But that doesn't suprise me.

So when I wrote this poem, I was explaining that I just don't have the money she thought I had. I struggle to give what I give and at one point I thought not having enough meant it was money she was after. At another point I thought it was the emotional connection. Maybe it was both, but when pushed to the extremes, it is simply not possible to supply it all. In a lot of ways, I'm still a broken man.

Country Poem #8: Pullin' Out My Pockets

Pullin' Out My Pockets
©1996 By Dean A. Ceran
The day that you met me I didn't have one dime
That smile that was in your eyes
Told me that we'd last a long, long time
Now you say that the day has come
It's my emotions that you have missed
I know now that the way I've been is dumb
I can tell that from your kiss
Darlin' I am pleading I've been hocking all those lockets
Don't ask anything from me
Look here, I'm pullin' out my pockets
These twelve short years of us -- four precious gifts of love
They're part of all of our good times
Now while you can't put together a love for me
I'll give you all the little I've got, but I'm crying in my dimes
Darlin' I am pleading I've been hocking all those lockets
Don't ask anything from me
Look here, I'm pullin' out my pockets
I can't believe that I've ruined it all for us
The kids and you can't seem to understand
That I'm sorry for all the lousy fuss
That's gone and made me a broken man
Darlin' I am pleading I've been hocking all those lockets
Don't ask anything from me
Look here, I'm pullin' out my pockets
Damn, there's nothin' when I'm pullin' out my pockets

The Story Behind Country Poem #7: In The Deepest Part Of The Night

This is the one that was scooped up by Clark Ried, a New Zeland country music artist who put his music to my words.

I wrote this poem after waking up one night and seeing my ex-wife asleep. At this point there was a sure realization that soon I'd not have her in my life anymore, so I did a bit of reminiscing by looking into the future back at the past.

This was a time of unusual helplessness for me. I knew that the train wreck was coming, and there I stood on the tracks. Everything I could think of to change things came up with no answers. So all I could do was write it from a point of veiw that it was already over, because in a lot of ways, it was.

Country Poem #7: In The Deepest Part Of The Night

In The Deepest Part of Night
©1996 By Dean A. Ceran
There used to be a beauty in watching you asleep
The calm and peace upon your face always made me feel complete
I'd actually look forward to a time when I would wake
And find you gently resting after the loving we would make
It's been a while since I've seen that, oh, so lovely sight
The time I miss you most it's in the deepest part of night
The loneliness stays with me, right through the morning light
I'd ask you to be here with me, but I know it won't seem right
If I could just erase the wrong that's there, with all of my might
There'd be a chance to see you once again in the deepest part of night
It's been a while since I've seen that, oh, so lovely sight
The time I miss you most it's in the deepest part of night
It's been a while since I've seen that, oh, so lovely sight
The time I miss you most it's in the deepest part of night

The Story Behind Country Poem #6: I'm Turning Into You

I was so glad that I got to show this one to my dad after I wrote it. I guess it's part of that cycle of life. How history repeats itself! One of the reasons I think that my dad and I never really got along very well is because he saw me making the same kind of mistakes he made in life.

In my dad's case he was in the Turkish Merchant Marines. In my case, I joined the US Marines. Since birth my right eye was bad and then AFEES never should have approved me, but they said I could get a waiver once down in Paris Island. It never worked and after just two weeks in the Corps, I was on my way home. At that same time, my mom and dad decided to put thier crumbling marriage to rest. They were in divorce court when the bus from the Marine Corps got me near home.

It was a crushing blow even though both occurrances were expected. I knew going in that the Marine Corps would not take me. I also knew that my mom and dad were headed for divorce. The walk home from where the bus let me off in "downtown" Eatontown, NJ was a slow and painful one. Just at a time when the boy in me needed consoling, the man in me had to "suck it up" and take a lonely hike home.

My mom and dad stayed married for 21 years. My ex-wife Barb and I were married for 13, even though the last few were spent seperated. When I saw the similarities in my life and my dad's, I made the comparison into a country poem.

I think in other ways, the similarities end. Before they each passed away, you could go over my mom's house and my dad's house and find so many similarities in layout, design, even down to the the way they kept the sponges on the side of the kitchen sink. It makes you wonder why they ever seperated....because they were so much alike. You won't find any similarities like that with my ex and me.

Country Poem #6: I'm Turning Into You

I'm Turning Into You
©1996 By Dean A. Ceran

On the day I left the Marine Corps and came back to our home
You and Mom were with the judge and you came home alone
Now a generation later the story turns part two
After just a dozen years, my wife is leaving, too
You know something, Dad, I think I'm turning into you
Mom told us that we were barely getting by
While you struggled making money
Was only half the reasons why
She said that when you were at home
You never noticed that she had cried
I've been lost, like you, in the things I've done
I do know now just how my kids must feel
For it's my attention that they say is gone
That makes those little hearts hard to heal
Now a generation later the story turns part two
After just a dozen years, my wife is leaving, too
You know something, Dad, I think I'm turning into you
Now, like you, I sit all alone and hope, beyond all hope
That someday they'll call, or write, then I'll feel less the dope
You know Dad it is sad but it is true
Remember all the heartache that you knew
It's now making me just a younger shade of blue
Yes Dad, I can see how I'm turning into you
Now a generation later the story turns part two
After just a dozen years, my wife is leaving, too
You know something, Dad, I think I'm turning into you

The Story Behind: Country Poems #5 When I Turned Country, You Turned Away

I can't say as I should blame it on the babysitter, but as I look back on it, the reception for Maureen's wedding was the start of it all. Specifically, seeing the women dance to the Achey Breaky, I thought to myself, "I could begin to like this kind of music!" As the years went on my appreciation for country grew and grew. Not because of the way the women danced to it, but because the music and lyrics seemed to grab you by the heart, and they were, for the most part, clearly understood.

So, my intent here was to kind of celebrate the various styles of country while at the same time laying blame for my broken marriage on something else other than me. Of course, country music seems to have survived.

Country Poems #5: When I Turned Country You Turned Away

When I Turned Country, You Turned Away
©1996 By Dean A. Ceran
The day I met you in that sunny part of June
My heart told my mind to sing a different tune
But that rockin' (that was shockin') just ain't the way today
Since our babies walked up the aisle in that wedding Texas-style
That day (so proud and happy) became a sad one after a while
On that day I shed my cap and threw away my shoes
Got a brand new cowboy hat and a shinny pair of boots
But there's one regret I have of that autumn day
'Twas when I turned country, you turned away
Now I cannot blame the rock for the way we used to mesh
Who'd have thought this good ole' kicking would cause emotional distress
I guess I never dreamed that Southern ,Tex-Mex, 'n Cajun tunes
Would cause this heart-broke man to never 'gain hang the moon
On that day I shed my cap and threw away my shoes
Got a brand new cowboy hat and a shinny pair of boots
But there's one regret I have of that autumn day
'Twas when I turned country, you turned away
Now my boots and hat are here, with a twang to stay
I'll miss you and the kids now
Since I turned country and made you turn away
On that day I shed my cap and threw away my shoes
Got a brand new cowboy hat and a shinny pair of boots
But there's one regret I have of that autumn day
'Twas when I turned country, you turned away

The Story Behind Country Poem #4: My Heart

Trying to figure out if I had done something wrong. I don't really know if I've ever understood my own feelings. I've always been a reactionary when it comes to matters of the heart. I do what I think is best, and when I have to look back on what I've done, I question what I've done or not done. I should point out that I don't always learn from my mistakes, so I'll probably make them again. During this point in my life I was questioning everything and not getting anything but lost.

Country Poems #4: My Heart

My Heart
©1996 By Dean A. Ceran

I wonder if I've ever loved you in all the years we've spent
Our marriage, it's gone nowhere, now you tell me to "Get bent!"
How could I love another if I never had loved me?
I guess it's really hard, I'm sure that you'll agree
Loving is a task for two and I haven't done my part
I would have done a better job if I'd understood my heart
The sky has been too cloudy ever since you've gone away
If I first learn how to love me I might find you back with me some day
How could I love another if I never had loved me?
I guess it's really hard, I'm sure that you'll agree
Loving is a task for two and I haven't done my part
I would have done a better job if I'd understood my heart
How could I love another if I never had loved me?
I guess it's really hard, I'm sure that you'll agree
Loving is a task for two and I haven't done my part
I would have done a better job if I'd understood my heart

The Story Behind Country Poem #3: Better, But Apart

Most of these early poems were written while I was still with my ex-wife and children. I was still driving cabs for 12 hours each night from 6 to 6. Knowing that the end of the marriage was near, as I sat in my lonely cab, during those slow wee hours of the night, some realizations came to me. Even though we weren't actually apart at the time, in an emotional sense, we were, and had been miles apart from each other. I tried to express that in this poem. As I recall, this one was penned at near 3:30am in the parking lot on the east side of Red Bank behind the shops that lined Broad St.

Country Poems #3: Better, But Apart

Better, But Apart
©1996 by Dean A. Ceran

Since I met you on that sunny day
I've done my best to love you in so many different ways
Now after 'bout a dozen years I'm sure
You say that you're just not needin' me no more
I've changed a lot of all the things I do
I feel better, but not here in my heart
It's sad that after all we've been through
We grew better, but apart
Loving you came easy but, aahh, what the heck
Now I've lost it all, including your respect
When you take some time to think about me
Remember I love you and I hope you'll try and see
I've changed a lot of all the things I do
I feel better, but not here in my heart
It's sad that after all we've been through
We grew better, but apart
Tell the kids I love them with all that's in my heart
Be sure and let them know that we grew better, but apart
I've changed a lot of all the things I do
I feel better, but not here in my heart
It's sad that after all we've been through
We grew better, but apart

The Story Behind Country Poems #2: I Couldn't Tell Her

I was always good at appreciating, and very bad at expressing things when I was young. I think it's that way now, too in some cases. I was living in Freehold, NJ and the girl was in my class. If you could see a picture, you'd see that Amy Teller was by far the prettiest girl in class. You would also be able to see that the ugliest guy in class was yours truly.

I spent only three years living in Freehold before moving to Howell, NJ. I was too young to know that I should have stayed in touch. There are plenty of times I think back to my youth and think what could have been if I only had the chance to stay in one place. Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda's are the things that poets roll around in like pigs in slop. I don't know if Amy ever thought of me as a childhood sweetheart, but I thought of her that way. The last I heard, she's a mental health professional in Georgia.

Silly me. Crazy me. I could have given her a lifetime of study work! LOL

Country Poems #2: I Couldn't Tell Her

I Couldn't Tell Her
©1996 by Dean A. Ceran

Lookie here, see! There she is
I was going through that "who I is"
That pretty girl in the second grade
Was the one I didn't want to get away
Well I'd look at her, I'd stop to stare
I'd lose my track of where I'm bound
I couldn't ever tell her just how much I cared
But I'm doin' all I can to keep her memory around
I've lived an empty life for a lot of years
When I think of her there's happy tears
The long walks we took
As I held her books
From a time so long ago
Those good times I'd never know
Well I'd look at her, I'd stop to stare
I'd lose my track of where I'm bound
I couldn't ever tell her just how much I cared
But I'm doin' all I can to keep her memory around
So if ever in your travels she should happen by
Please don't ever let her go and here's the reason why
Tell her that I miss her smile and good times we shared
And that I have loved her so and yes, I really cared
Well I'd look at her, I'd stop to stare
I'd lose my track of where I'm bound
I couldn't ever tell her just how much I cared
But I'm doin' all I can to keep her memory around

The Story Behind Country Poems #1: I Can't Go

It was just past New Year's Day in 1996. After a long night behind the wheel of a taxi in Central NJ, I was asleep. My ex-wife Barb called up to me and told me that she was taking our son David and going out looking for a new place to live. She was tired of not having enough. Half asleep, I thought to myself, "Oh go ahead...go down to your mom's, have a cup of coffee, and you'll feel alot better when you get back." Basically, I was dismissing it.

When she got back, David jumped up on my lap waking me up and said, "Hey Dad, when we move into our new house, are you coming with us?"
That's when I knew it was real.

Two days later, while surveying 52 gas stations for prices for the Lundberg Survey, I was driving through Haddonfield, NJ. I heard Doug Supernaw's 'I Don't Call Him Daddy' on WXTU FM in Philadelphia. I had to stop the car in order to keep from wrecking it because I couldn't see through the tears. I got out of the car and walked through the blocks of Main St. I found myself in a pharmacy. I was in the stationary aisle when I picked up a note pad and it was then that I decided I'd write a letter to David. I knew he couldn't read it then, but when he could maybe he'd be able to understand why I wasn't with him.

While writing the letter, I noticed that the first couple of sentences rhymed a bit. So I shrugged, and continued the rest of the letter as best I could in rhyme. That's how it all began.

Country Poem #1: I Can't Go

I Can't Go
©1996 by Dean A. Ceran
Your momma took you shopping for a better place to be
And when you returned you had just one question for me
Well son, I have to let you know
That your momma's taking you and I can't go
Your sisters just may miss me and they'll be sad to go
I haven't been the man that I should have been, so I can't go
Remember I'll always be your dad, I'll do everything I can
But for now I can't be with you, my special little man
There's just too many reasons why it is so
And that is why your momma tells me I can't go
You see, your mom and I have grown like you, except in different ways
It's been tough for her to live with me, and getting worse each passing day
If I haven't left a thing for you in all your years so far
Please remember to be honest and be happy, you'll be better off than you are
Tell your sisters that I love them, be sure to let them know
That I am really sorry that I can't go
Remember I'll always be your dad, I'll do everything I can
But for now I can't be with you, my special little man
There's just too many reasons why it is so
And that is why your momma tells me I can't go